There are some things that make you question everything about yourself. The god damn mirror, sometimes it sets your sanity on the edge and sometimes it helps you control the chaos. The questions arising from looking at yourself in the mirror are usually as horrible as you let them be. Are your cigarette charred lips unkissable? Are your corrupt eyes unlookable?
Is your skin even real when you, yourself feel it is untouchable at times so often that you end up feeling unlovable.
Expended, jaded, exhausted, hopeless, cynical are the emotions that release out from you knowing you’ve wasted your time, your love, your effort, your passion, your dedication to a thing that took you for granted and squeezed everything from you. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, just a few stages of acceptance that would never have to be dealt with if it weren’t for the traumatic experience you had to go through.
If you sound unrealistically agonized, angry, bitter, sad, tormented, it’s the response that it’s really over and you never mattered to that thing you even believed in.It’s just so complicated when you’re taken for a ride and made to feel stupid for believing in yourself.
It makes you feel like you were not good enough. It makes you feel like the belief in yourself has gone empty and everything you believed in is slowly losing it’s own faith. In retrospect, it makes you wonder are you really unreliable? You end up second guessing everything new you take up and wake up emptier each day where hope dies a little more with every new day. Waking up, you’re reminded of a part of you that you don’t like.
You had it’s back, you held it up, you felt you were good enough . Ironically, in retrospect, it was never reciprocated, and that tore you apart. You know you deserved more but all you were given was like crumbs to pigeons in the park. Maybe some find satisfaction knowing that you end up begging like a dog. For just a moment you romanticized the notion that you could build something better but nobody can take away the torment that left you for dead.